What Would Naruto Do?
by uo-chou
Summary: Naruto finds a copy of the bible at the dump one day, and decides to live his life according to it's words. The only problem is that no one even knows what a bible is. Hilarity ensues. Religious!Naruto. Irreverent humor will abound.


What Would Naruto Do?

Genesis

Naruto sighed once more, the melancholy sound escaping his mouth for the hundredth time that day. The boy was on his way nowhere, wandering the edges of town after a long day at the academy, bored and dispirited. He had tried to make friends again, today at school, and had once more been shot down. When he approached the slightly older girl with two buns in her hair and asked to play, she had merely looked at him like he was something to be scraped off the bottom of her sandal, and walked away. He didn't know why he still tried; he had already tried to make friends with everyone in his own class and had been rejected by each one. Smelling something disgusting, he looked up, examining the place where his feet had inadvertently led him. He was near the edge of a massive trash pit, a place where villagers and ninjas alike came to toss away their garbage, known as the Konoha dump.

He was quite familiar with the dump, having been her on several occasions. Most of the things in Naruto's apartment had been scavenged from the dump, as many of the store keepers in Konoha were unwilling to sell anything to him for some reason. He had found tea kettle here, fine except for a few dents, as well as his couch, which was very comfortable, if a little worn, though it still stank. He had also found his favorite outfit here, an orange pants and jacket set. It was still too large for him, but he had already decided to wear it every day when he was older. Naruto smiled fondly, remembering the excitement he felt when he found it. The seven year old blonde boy decided to search through the dump to see if he could find something else worthwhile.

Now that he had almost six months of ninja training under his belt, traveling through the sprawling piles of refuse was easy as pie, where before it had taken him hours to navigate the pools of filth and the mounds of detritus. Naruto hopped over old television sets, and skirted the edges of kitchen waste. His sharp blue eyes scanned everything as he moved, on the lookout for anything he might be able to use. About ten minutes into his adventure, Naruto found his first 'score' of the day; a pile of somewhat worn kunai and shuriken. Grinning in glee, he picked then up carefully and put them into his equipment pouch. After he finished straightening and scouring the rust off of these, he would almost have a full set! He searched for a few more hours, turning up a pile of coins worth six ryo, a battered dutch oven, and half a dozen interesting looking books, as well as several old looking scrolls. One of the few things that Naruto excelled at was reading; he had to, as the teachers constantly tried to sabotage his education. His only reliable source of information was the written word.

Naruto made a bag out of his jacket, and placed his treasures inside. As the sun set, he quietly made his way home. When he reached the house, he locked the door and greedily went through the pile of new things, examining each one in turn. The weapons he put aside for later consideration, as well as the money. He glanced through the books and scrolls, noting that one of them was much thicker than the others, as well as ancient looking. Handling it carefully, he opened the cover.

"I wonder who King James is," muttered the young boy, "and what is a bible, anyway?" Before he knew it, Naruto was midway through the first page, his ignorant yet able mind devouring the strange words on the tissue-thin pages.

By the time the sun came up the next day, he was finally finished with the book called "Genesis". "Man, that snake sure was a bastard," said the boy. Yawning, he set the book aside and went to bed, mutter the whole time about untrustworthy reptiles.

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Author's Note: Ok, I started another story. I don't really know how this is going to end up, except that the ride should be hilarious. I plan to make Naruto into a real bible-thumper but he's going to believe everything in there, even the unpopular and contradictory stuff and live his life accordingly. It should be pretty funny, I hope, in an irreverent way. This is definitely going to be a crack-fic, and should be treated appropriately. I'm not aiming to make fun of anyone's religion either, but even the hardcore christians have to admit that the bible is chocked full of crazy stuff. I mean, has anyone actually read the book of Leviticus?


End file.
